Realities of a long marriage

Marriage is not a fairytale. It is not certain, and it is not easy. People change over time due to experiences, traumas, genetics and health.  Women turn into mothers, changing as they go through Matrescence (the change from woman to motherhood). From becoming focused on themselves, their career and their partner, women change to putting 90% of energy and focus on their children. On running the household, making appointments, being the family mental health expert. Focus becomes feeding the family, taking the load when no-one else can. Putting everyone in front of themselves as they navigate how to parent, how to go to the toilet with a toddler (and often the family pet) in tow. How to barely get time for just them like they used to. How to keep going on no sleep, day after day. How to cope with their own mental health while helping the rest of the family with theirs.

So, the marriage to their partner changes.  It becomes a partnership of who can relieve who and when. What can the other do when one partner is falling down. How can husband support wife when she’s suffocating in her own skin.

The man in the marriage changes too. He realizes that for a while during child rearing, he might become the sole income earner. He needs to focus on making money to support his family. He needs to work harder, help at home and support his wife.  But… this is not always easy for a man to do. It is not natural for him to take on a maternal role. It is hard for him to see his wife distressed, changed, and not focused on him.  Sometimes he sees her as a different person. And she is. He see’s a mother, not a lover.  Although his conscious mind is working on the right things, his unconscious mind is not always up for the changes and negativity can set in. The stress he may feel can overwhelm him.  He want’s support from his wife as much as she wants support from him. But, can they give it to each other? And if they can’t what resentment builds up? What expectations are being crushed that cause resentment? What decisions has he made that impact the family. What decisions has he made that are his responsibility and choice. It is not his wife’s fault.

What resentment is unconsciously building in the wife too? Is she upset that her life has changed so much while it “seems ‘her husband is still doing ‘his ‘things, while she can barely scratch her arse in peace.  What is she angry at him for that he does not know about? Being human, going to work everyday, catching up with the boys on a Friday while she is stuck at home with kids? What expectations does she have of him that are not being met? What changes does she want him to make that he does not know about? How can she communicate what she needs and how can he respond with what he can and can’t give. What decisions has she made that she is blaming her partner for?

Love is a series of actions and behaviours more than a feeling. Love is what you do, what you say, how you behave and how you show up for each other. If you don’t feel “in love” this is a normal part of a growing relationship going through the “ebb and flow” of being together and raising a family.

 Money matters, egos need propping up, love needs to be shared.
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Staying together takes time, commitment, patience, acceptance and accountability for behaviour. It takes apologies to each other. It takes sharing the load, understanding and resilience.
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Sounds like a lot, hey?
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When we marry, we are in the honeymoon phase. We think we are indestructible and committed to being there for each other. Over time, becoming ‘roommates’ instead of lovers is a phase of normality. To change this working partnership into one of love takes effort.
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To put in the effort takes education, communication, emotional responsibility, and acceptance of changing roles, looks, body composition and lack of sleep. We all change, so let’s work on marriage as a commitment to each other by learning how to have a fulfilling relationship. Accept that it’s not always good. You don’t always feel ‘in love’. Shit happens!
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It’s how we deal with the shit, the changes and how we treat each other that matters.

I became divorced. I didn’t get the chance to learn, implement and work on the relationship. Luckily, I took it upon myself to learn all the tools. I have been educated in relationships, and more so I can help you to navigate the changes and become a couple that weathers the storm and create the relationship you want. Through my Transform your Relationships Program, you can show up for each other and support your marriage to be fabulous and lasting.

I too use these tools with my partner and family to create and build on our love.

Happy day lovers!!