Communication is hard, or is it?

Reflections on communication challenges from a Relationship and Life Coach.

People just want to be heard.

Rarely do they want our advice or to be fixed.

People want us to listen, have empathy and guide them to follow their own judgement.

Well, isn’t this just the easiest thing to do ever? NOT

When the subject about communication comes around, I realise that it is something we are not taught.

Obviously, we all have our natural human ways of communicating, like any animal, but we suck at it.

We all want to be heard.

We shout, scream, yell, throw tantrums to get our way. We leave in silence, we give the silent treatment, we give nasty looks and we say nasty things. We say nice things, we stamp our feet and we suppress our emotions. What a bunch of dicks we are! Or are we?

I have been pondering human behaviour for a while and as I watch intently as we interact, I have learnt that we all mirror each other, start following the same suggestions and start talking in the same tone and accent. We use sign language we are not aware of and body language that is intergenerational. We are after all, animals of a kind.

What I find the most interesting is our interactions with our kids. It doesn’t matter how much I help others with communication, when it comes to my kids, sometimes it feels like good communication gets thrown out the window. Right now, as I write this blog, one of my kids has just had a massive tantrum at me, telling me I don’t listen, I can’t help and I don’t understand. This is so frustrating when you go into coach mode and use all the tools to help your child understand that their problem can go away if we work on it. That their problem can go away if they participate in learning better forms of communication on their level. But they shut down as I am after all “mum”.

So, the moral of that little frustrating story is that communication is not always easy. It can be difficult to have the hard conversations. Depending on personality types, it can be even more difficult to get them to understand you and you understand them. The joys of parenthood!!

There are of course times when I do have selective hearing (I am human after all). When the kids are fighting, playing loudly or just being annoying. Then, they ask you something and don’t understand why you don’t respond (when you are deep in blog writing). Selective hearing can be a wonderful way to drown out the excessive teenage noise.

Everyone has a different model of the world. Once we know this, we can understand someone else’s belief system in a way that communicates to them. If a child already believes I cannot help, already believes I don’t listen, as they have decided that from experience, then it doesn’t matter what I say in that moment. What they believe, they believe. The same goes for adults.

So, we need to address the way we respond to them. We may have been busy at something when they want you or ask for help in a way a parent may not understand until they stop and give full attention. Whatever the case, my job now is to help mindset change so that child can see that I do listen, and I can help. This may take a few interactions in a calm manner.

If a child (or adult for that matter) is already angry and chucking a tantrum, there is no use in arguing with them. Tell them you will speak about this when they are calm and if you can, leave the room or ask them to leave the room. They want to keep arguing, just keep saying you hear them but will not interact until they are calm. This gives everyone time to gather thoughts and be ready for a more productive interaction.

Emotional maturity comes with life experience, time and understanding ourselves. When we have emotional maturity, we can regulate our emotions, understand them, let them flow as necessary and have better communication skills with others. We do not blame others for the way we feel but express how a situation has triggered our feelings. We can talk, listen and resolve. If we provide a safe space for each other to express feelings without judging, then getting heard becomes easier. If we trust that we cannot fix someone, but rather help them if they ask for it, then our help becomes invaluable.